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D.J.

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Dear Entire Pizza I Ate Last Night... [May. 14th, 2008|09:33 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Overeaters Anonymous]
[Current Mood | sick]
[Current Music |"Fat" by "Weird Al" Yankovic]

Dear Entire Large (14") Deluxe Pizza I Ate All By Myself Last Night,

Delicious opponent, I thought I'd defeated you in, at most, fifty-six bites, but it turns out that, in the long run, it was you who defeated me.

Cunning how you allowed me to expend all of my energy in my attack and then bided your time as I claimed victory. Yes, I now realize you were waiting... plotting... waiting and plotting... planning, too, in addition to the waiting and the plotting... waiplotlanning your vengeful revenge.

Said vengeance was harsh and painful and still it lingers! Indeed, it is the next day, and I have not recovered.

The battle was well-fought by both of us, Entire Large (14") Deluxe Pizza I Ate All By Myself Last Night, but I now concede victory to you and accept my defeat.

Humbly humiliated,
D.J.
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It's the end of the footnote as we know it... [May. 2nd, 2008|12:01 am]
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[Current Mood | curious]

Not the "end" end of the footnote, though. Just changing things up. This is the last regular monthly update before we go to some RSS feed mumbo jumbo and updating and whatnot. So soak this one in, folks. It's a hoot...

Anti-Thoughts
Dustin Grovemiller

Dustin makes a return engagement to his former job and gets all reflective 'n' stuff.

Letters from Heck
Laszlo Xalieri

Want a little perspective about the ease of life in Heck? Try a little bit of Hell instead.

Next Stop Willoughby
Adrienne Jones

(Debut contribution!) Adrienne tells us of a truly horrifying tale from her teenage years. The red menace can totally ruin your social life.

Pure Lard
D.J. Kirkbride

From a distance, you might think that the dark stuff all over D.J.'s face is dirt or magic marker... but hell no! That's his hair! D.J.'s got some manly, unruly whiskers.

rEALITY iS wHAT yOU mAKE iT
John Belden

Either modern society is kind of contradictory in its behaviors or John's a little confused.

Sight Gags for Radio
Adam P. Knave

Adam's saga of trying to balance his work load versus passing up opportunities.

Tales of the Workin' Girl
Krystal Thompson

A holy encounter brings new meaning to the phrase "family game night."

The Truth of the Matter
Ryan Dilbert

Ryan realizes that he might be one of the world's only remaining Charlie Chaplin fans.

Transmissions from My Childhood
Dustin Grovemiller

For his final installment of the column, Dustin takes a look at The Muppet Show.

It's Story Time!
D.J. Kirkbride

This piece is called "Sassy Chef's Dreams and Other Stories." And that's all we're going to say about it.

Hooray for Comics

Adam P. Knave checks in on those bitches at the Legion of Superheroes.

Spoiler Warning
Don't move, dirt bag! Dustin and D.J. have just watched Police Academy and they're going to tell you all about it.

 

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Dear Bag of Fritos... [Apr. 25th, 2008|05:20 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |a cubical of regret]
[Current Mood | nauseated]
[Current Music |some Rilo Kiley song on interweb radio]

Dear Little Bag of Fritos Corn Chips,
 
Why the hell did I just eat you? I wasn't hungry, and I'm not particularly fond of you as a snack -- never have been. Is it because you were there and free to me? Hmmm... No, that won't hold up in the court of my mind because there's a stapler right here on my desk that I could eat right now without paying anything, and yet I am not eating it, sooo... Oh, right, staplers aren't food. Of course, you barely qualify your-own-self. Just corn, corn oil, and salt. Really? Really.
 
Now I feel kinda gross, I'm getting the keys on my keyboard all greasy, I have a terrible taste in my mouth, bits of you are stuck in my teeth, and you tore my tongue to shit.
 
This was a mistake. I knew that from jump street, but still I ate you. This is eating by way of punishment somehow. And, oh, man, I just remembered how you kind of look like toenails to me. Guinness Book of World Records longest ever toenails type toenails. Blech. Yuck. Hay-zeus. Why do I abuse myself like this?
 
You were a mistake,
D.J.


MISTAKE
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New "The Dark Knight" Poster = WHOA. [Apr. 25th, 2008|09:07 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Mood | pleased]

So many good movies this summer, but this one might have me the most excited. Looks like a lighthearted romp...

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Politicking, Me Style [Apr. 24th, 2008|11:05 am]
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[Current Location |God's America]
[Current Mood | groggy]
[Current Music |America, F-Word Yeah!]

Don't get me started on politics, voice in my head that compels me to type silly blog stuff. Don't even THINK about thinking about getting me to think about getting started on politics...
 
Look, from where I stand there are only two choices for the Democaratonic nominonomiation, am I right? You bet. Let's look at the choices:
 
1. Barack Adama - This is not the female candidate. No. Adama, in addition to sharing the last name of the Admiral of the Battlestar Galactica (point in Barack's favor right diggity there), he also has one white parent and one black parent. This is where people go, "Whoa... is America ready for a president that isn't a crusty old cracker?" I'm here to say, "Yes. Why not?" If Barack has one thing going against him, it is that his midi-chlorians levels, while high, might not be enough to battle a Sith lord. Now, I'm not sure about this, as Liam Neeson hasn't gotten the blood tests back yet. We'll find out soon enough. Until then, I hope that Barack works on his karating skills and his Mad Libbing skills -- as he'll need both if he rocks the Democatetonic nomenclature for the presidential position.
 
2. Hilarious Clinton - When'd she stop using her maiden name? Long time ago, yeah? Ah, just noticed it. Also? She's a woman. Yes, Hillary is the female candidate, not Barack, who is the BSG candidate. Now, Hilar (as I call her starting now), has many great qualities, one of which is the one that makes people go, "Her?" ... she is female. "Is America ready for a chick prezy?" My answer: "Yup." Look, women are better than men. They're stronger (able to lift, on average, three more pounds than a man), tougher (birthing of babies, naturally), and they can shoot lasers out of their eyes. That'd be a big plus for a presidante of a country. "You do not agree to my treaty?" ZAP! Lesson learned.
 
What about on the Republican side? Well, that's already been decided:
 
1. John McCain - Old. As. Fuck. ... And thrice as sassy.
 
In closing, Barack and Hilar would both be just as good and just as bad as the democratic presidential candidate for president. McCain? His movie ticket prices are the same as kids and college students. He's already lucky enough in life. No reason for him to be president. He should just chillax, maybe go fishing.
 
Rock the voting!
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When one pops, one must also lock. [Apr. 23rd, 2008|02:47 pm]
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[Current Location |WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK]
[Current Mood | contemplative]
[Current Music |pandora.com, Good Times Mix]

Back in 1972, when I first invented the dance style that would rise to prominence under the name "popping and locking," I had no idea anything magical had happened. I merely let the music take over, and that was the result. Hometown fame and a modicum of respect followed. But now? As the rest of God's America has caught on to what I was doing thirty-six freaking years ago on the streets of small town Ohio with nothing but a portable Fischer Price tape player to rock out the tunes and a 7-11 Big Gulp cup for change, I want some... well, that's the question, isn't it?
 
Seeing as how the world of the country has ripped off of my creation, I feel something should be given to me in honor or honour or payment or paymeunt... but what? Money? Yes, that'd be nice though pedestrian. Fame? Well, I do wanna live forever. But... no... no... What I want is a Snickers bar as big as my torso.
 
Now! As you may have summarized, yes, the dimensions would be off. I don't have a super long and huge torso nor do I have a regularly long and skinny torso. I have a regular to beefy sized one. See, if a regular Snickers bar, with the dimensions locked, grew to equal the girth of my torso, it'd probably be as long as I am tall -- which is, obviously longer than my torso because my torso is merely a part of me. Alternately, if, dimensions still locked (that is not an option), a Snickers bar grew to equal the length of my torso, it would sorely lack the correct, necessary girth.
 
Answer? Fun size Snickers bar.
 
All my life, I've thought, "Fun size? Nope. That is just SMALL." If a fun size Snickers bar was grown to the size of my torso, though? Holy crap. Roughly, it'd work. And also it'd finally live up to its name.
 
A Snickers bar the size of my burly beefcake torso? Yeah, that's fun size. That'd be the definition of FUN SIZE for a Snickers bar. And I deserve at least one of those for creating the best style of dancing since the salsa.
 
I'll just be practicing some of my popping moves as well as some locking moves to stay sharp and work up my appetite while someone -- scientists, the government, whomever -- figures out how to create my torso fun size Snickers torso bar that is the size of my torso.
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Things I Love (4/18/08 Edition of Peace & Hope) [Apr. 18th, 2008|09:57 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |In the skies, on the back of Falcor]
[Current Mood | happy]
[Current Music |"The Neverending Story" by Limahl]

1. Free food. (Did I love the bagel I just ate? Not really, but I love the fact that it was FREE. Thanks, work!)

2. Free booze. (This is always a treat and seems to make me tipsier and smilier than booze I have to buy myself.)

3. Television. (Especially tonight, which is nerdgasm overload for me -- Doctor Who AND Battlestar Galactica? This makes up for all the crap you air when these shows aren't on, SciFi Channel.)

4. Comic books. (I haven't been to a shop in a long time and was falling out of it as a reader kind of, certainly as a collector, but APK's excitement in talking about them yesterday has me excited again... I predict too much money spent this weekend.)

5. Free coffee. (Same parenthetical as number 1, but replace "bagel" and "ate" with "coffee" and "drank.")

6. The fact that I am awesome at karate. (Don't mean to brag, but it's true.)

7. People on stilts. (Due to that talk with APK again.)

8. Chuck Norris facts. (Yeah, I still like 'em... they just don't get old to me!)

9. All the things I should be mentioning here. (Family, friends, health, etc.)

10. This painting. (APK showed me this, as well, so he might be my guardian angel or luck dragon or something...)

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Dear Future Obesity... [Apr. 11th, 2008|02:09 pm]
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[Current Location |Next to a cube full of free Reese's Cups]
[Current Mood | distressed]
[Current Music |The sound of my own chewing]


Dear Future Obesity,
 
Are you so eager to wholly and totally and completely and other words that mean basically the same as those three words -- which are, to recap, post haste: wholly, totally, and completely -- claim my waistline as your own that you are speeding up the process exponentially by making free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups readily available to me? Even if that is the case, sir or madam (whichever the case may be), is it necessary to make the aforementioned free Reese's Cups king sized? Honestly, this is a cruel punishment for whatever crime against humanity you seem to have falsely attributed to me, being that I am but a humble nobody whose karma should be pretty much at a zero balanced equilibrium and am, therefore, undeserving of both reward and punishment.
 
My tummy hurts, you see. It is expanding to compensate for how much I have been forced to overfill it, some might say at an alarmingly fast rate, but it does not, (un)fortunately, seem to be fast enough to keep up with the seemingly unending supply of those beautifully beautiful chocolate cups of peanut butter that, as you no doubt know, I cannot resist when presented to me in a fashion that requires no monetary donation from me.
 
This is a case of entrapment, plain and simple, and I am having no more of it. Please cease and desist immediately.
 
With the utmost sincerity,
D. John Kirkbride, Jr.
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Believe in your dreams: Sulu edition [Apr. 10th, 2008|01:55 pm]
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[Current Mood |enthralled]

Adam P. Knave hipped me to this, and then my roommate mentioned it, so it’s warming the hearts of folks on both the east and west coasts of God’s Great America, plus it was apparently on the TV or something...

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So, today I learned karate... [Apr. 9th, 2008|02:55 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |The Lad of Make Believe]
[Current Mood |indescribable]
[Current Music |The Whistlin' Hobos' classic, "Kick Your Face"]

So, today I learned karate. The important thing to remember about karate is that knowing it enables you to both kick effectively as well as do flips. It also, in addition, grants you the profound skills to both chop and punch with maximum efficiency.

I do not know what I will do with these newfound skills, but I do know one thing: Knowing karate is better than being able to whistle, but I'm pleased as punch I'm now a master at both.
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AQUA LEUNG - a mighty graphic novel [Apr. 9th, 2008|09:54 am]
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Hi all,

AQUA LEUNG is an epic, crazy, action-packed 208-page original graphic novel from Image Comics by Mark Andrew Smith and Paul Maybury about the angry lil' rightful ruler of the Seven Seas -- a boy named Aqua. It hits the shelves of finer comic shops and book stores today!

Check it out! Buy it! Live it!



 
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Doctor Ninjaface in Elevator Baby Birthin' [Apr. 7th, 2008|10:55 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Dusty Cube]
[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |New B-52's on the radio?]

Doctor Ninjaface was a man of science, so he didn't put much credence in the so-called power of prayer. He was unable to steralize his plastic butter knife he'd gotten from the cafeteria for his lunch, but he knew the Cesarean was necessary, and the elevator wasn't going to be fixed any time soon due to elevator repair budget cutbacks, so a little praying couldn't hurt.

"Out loud or to myself?" asked guest star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, kneeling next to the unwed soon-to-be mother (fingers crossed) and wishing he hadn't taken the elevator to visit his some kid from the Make A Wish Foundation on the third floor.

"Who gives a shit?" asked Doctor Ninjaface, hesitating again to make what would no doubt be a painful as all hell and messy incision.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed the knocked up girl both Kareem and Doctor Ninjaface wish they hadn't held the door open for two hours earlier.

Doctor Ninjaface jumped a little and pulled back the plastic knife again. "They're all fake anyway," he said, though unsure he really believed that, especially when about to get on a plane or roller coaster.

"Even Zeus?" asked Kareem.

"Maybe not him... I don't know. Shut up now, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I have to concentrate." Eyes closed, Doctor Ninjaface thought a quick prayer, "Zeus, please start up this elevator before I cut this chick with a freaking plastic knife I can't get the Italian dressing smell off of and try to pull out her bastard baby from her gut in a dirty elevator as a former basketball star watches and asks stupid questions about Greek mythology."

With that, Doctor Ninjaface slowly pressed the plastic knife against the girl's giant stomach -- then pulled it back again and took a deep breath.

Right before Doctor Ninjaface attempted to make the incision a third time, the elevator started up.

"AAAHHH!" screamed the preggers lady in pain but obviously relieved the elevator was working.

"Thank Zeus!" Kareem exclaimed.

Docotor Ninja face stood up slowly and put his plastic knife back in the plastic container containing his left over Italian chicken salad. He allowed himself a relieved smile that Kareem and the big bellied girl didn't see due to his ninja mask. "I owe you one, Zeus," he sighed more for his own amusement than any belief.

What Doctor Ninjaface did not know, however, was that Zeus would one day come looking for him to return the favor...
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First word of the morning, Monday 3/31 - Thursday 4/3 [Apr. 3rd, 2008|10:07 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Work]
[Current Mood | grumpy]
[Current Music |CD 101 streaming out of C-bus, OH]

Every time the alarm goes off at 7am, I find myself muttering a retort before setting it for 7:30am, thereby making myself a half hour late for work.

The week so far...

Monday 3/31: "No."
Tuesday 4/1: "Shit."
Wednesday 4/2: "Goddammit."
Thursday 4/3: "Haaaate." (In a raspy, snake-like hiss that caught me off guard.)

What will tomorrow bring? Predictions:

"Fuck."
"Why?"
"Balls."
"Regret."
"Sleepy."
"Ass."
"Taint."
"Ass-taint." (Made up hyphenate counts as one word.)
"Life." (Said in a disappointed sigh.)

Also, why don't I ever wake up to any of the following?

"Awesome."
"Glorious."
"Life!" (Exclaimed triumphantly, much the same way a happy child would exclaim "Yay!" after getting a pony.)
"Yay!"
"Burrito!" (Like the angels singing.)

This requires further investigation on my part, as waking up is the first part of the day, and it'd be nice to start off with a smile instead of a grimace.
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Don't be a fool -- read the April 1 update of "the footnote"! [Apr. 1st, 2008|11:30 am]
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[Current Location |Goodtimesville, USA]
[Current Mood | touched]
[Current Music |Woot woot!]



Lots of goodies for this fine month of April... really, really good goodies. Below are links and Dustin Grovemiller's masterful description of each column...

Gently with a Chainsaw
Leigh Sholler

For safety's sake, you should pull your Chrysler Town & Country over to the side of the road before reading this piece about car names on your in-car laptop.

Letters from Heck
Laszlo Xalieri

Identity is everything, but in this day and age which identity are you going to choose?

Pure Lard
D.J. Kirkbride

D.J. doesn't seem to read much these days -- could it be because he's somehow lost the ability to comprehend text? A self-administered aptitude test ensues. Seriously.

Reality Is What You Make It
John Belden

A very simple, yet unnerving, query here: is it still money if you never handle it?

Sight Gags for Radio
Adam P. Knave

The joys of self-promotion abound as Adam begins to push his new small-press book. Incredibly, we think he actually offered to slap someone with his dick if they bought it, but we might have misread that part.

Tales of the Workin' Girl
Krystal Thompson

Krystal has been named... Employee of the Month! Listen to her tales of the extensive merits of this illustrious title.

The Truth of the Matter
Ryan Dilbert

We'd be really tempted to make some sort of "navel gazing" joke here, but clearly Ryan's deductions about the blue fuzz he found in his bellybutton are deadly serious.

Book Report
Adam P. Knave interviews author Cory Doctorow about his new book Little Brother.

Burn, Baby, Burn
D.J. sits down with the Bastard Winos and does a little exchange of "questions" and "answers."

You Decide!
Great Scott!

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A letter to Battlestar Galactica Season 3 DVDs [Mar. 31st, 2008|09:59 am]
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[Current Location |Some crazy nebula]
[Current Mood | groggy]
[Current Music |Lots of drums]

Dear Battlestar Galactica Season 3 DVDs,
 
You stole my entire weekend away from me. I'm a little troubled by that, as I had other things to do, but you did smash my mind grapes and make jelly out of them, so it's not like I'm mad at you or anything. Just... let's not do that again. I need to get out of the house sometimes.
 
Your friend,
D.J.
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Nothing is interesting at work. [Mar. 27th, 2008|04:23 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |A gray cube full of boxes and regret.]
[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |Gogol Bordello... ?]

The subject of this post is so goddamn true that it's false, then true, then false again, then... false out of nowhere, THEN fucking TRUER THAN THE TRUEST THING EVER! And after that roller coaster it just stays true.

Am I as busy as I feel I am at work? Maybe not. Maybe, though. Actually, I think so. It's that kind of overwhelmed feeling where there is so much crap to do all of equal priority... and if everything is a priority then nothing might as well be a priority and suddenly I have a cube full of boxes that contain items that need to be delivered to various people, several meetings for several bosses to set up, a small filing cabinet of papers and folders to file into bigger filing cabinet down the hall, a database to figure out and help maintain, and no interest to do any of it. None. No interest. At all.

Where is this headed? Right now it feels like I'm on a one way trip to sleepy town...
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Cowboy Bebop - best opening credits ever! [Mar. 26th, 2008|11:33 pm]
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[Current Location |The Bebop]
[Current Mood | nostalgic]
[Current Music |TANK!]

The music and design and -- it all just makes me happy.


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Read CRAZY LITTLE THINGS! [Mar. 10th, 2008|10:00 am]
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[Current Mood | excited]

Not only is Adam P. Knave ([info]murnkay to the LJ savvy) a great friend with a glorious red beard, he's also a terrific writer! That last tidbit is especially important because a snazzy new collection of his short stories is available for your purchasing and reading pleasure! I've read and enjoyed several of the stories in Crazy Little Things and can't wait to read the others.

Buy this book! Read this book! Tell others to buy this book! I COMMAND YOU!



Crazy Little Things (Paperback)
by Adam P. Knave (Author)
List Price: $12.99

Book Description
LOVE. DEATH. ZOMBIES. DEMONS. TEDDY BEARS. FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION. Those are just a few of the things waiting for you inside Adam P. Knave's CRAZY LITTLE THINGS. Horror collides with just about every other genre within reach to help bring his twisted worlds to life. These twelve tales of strangeness include three new stories exclusive to this volume: "Pretty Little Dead Girls," "Dead Side Story" and "Causing Effect." Also included are both legendary Mister Binkles tales, as well as the critically acclaimed novella, Crazy Little Thing.
Product Details
  • Paperback: 268 pages
  • Publisher: Die Monster Die! Books (February 25, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0975990497
  • ISBN-13: 978-0975990490
  • Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
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Things found in the move... [Mar. 7th, 2008|12:45 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Mongo]
[Current Mood | nostalgic]
[Current Music |Ming's Concerto # 5]

So, I just moved to a new apartment recently. I seem to move roughly once a year, so it's no big deal... But you know how when you're packing and looking for stuff to get rid of and all of that you're bound to find some things that give you, as a human, pause? Well, this time it seemed like I found more weird stuff than in moves previous.

Here are the five weirdest items (only one of them completely untrue and one a slight variation on the truth made into a pointless lie) I discovered were in my possession, from least weird to weirdest:

5. My brother Patrick's Bible he was awarded at Bible Camp about twenty years ago, with a handwritten note on the front page to him by our old pastor. Why did I steal this? Is it worse to steal a Bible than other things? Is my spot in Hell now assured?

4. My old tuba mouthpiece from marching band. I can't play the tuba anymore, no longer march, and don't have a tuba -- why do I still have the mouthpiece?

3. Old "love" letters and "lovey dovey" notes from an ex-girlfriend. Why the hell do I still have so many of these? They were tucked away in a box, and I guess I never looked in the box because if I had, I probably would've burned them in a Satanic ritual, which is my way. Further confusing matters: Why do I STILL have these after said discovery?

2. Blue automobile touch up paint. I don't even have this car anymore! Why the hell do I have the touch up paint? How will it ever come in handy?

And the weirdest thing I discovered I own:

1.

Yes, No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. On VINYL. The questions raised by this discovery are as follows: How did I come to own this? I seriously don't remember buying it. Was it a gift? If so, was it an ironic one? Because I only like one Phil Collins song, and he did that with Genesis. The discovery that I own this album confused, delighted, and scared me in equal measure.
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the footnote March Madness!!! [Mar. 3rd, 2008|10:29 am]
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Anti-Thoughts - Dustin Grovemiller
Far from being another biopic about a troubled rock star, here's the story of Dustin's encounters with "Rock Band."

Letters from Heck - Laszlo Xalieri
A biology lesson from Heck -- how are we like snails inside our own houses? Is a house more important than a hand? We can't answer this, but thankfully Laszlo can.

Pure Lard - D.J. Kirkbride
D.J. explores what it means to be "a pussy." This isn't necessarily from personal experience... Okay, yes it is.

Reality Is What You Make It - John Belden
John reinforces the idea that "words mean things" -- which is great because now we've sort of got this three-part tie-in with Laszlo's ideas on biology and D.J.'s alleged propensity for being labeled a pussy. Read the other two first, then cap it off with a dose of Beldar's magnificent brain.

Sight Gags for Radio - Adam P. Knave
Adam is always working, well beyond the physical action of typing strings of letters together into cohesive thoughts.

Tales of the Workin' Girl - Krystal Thompson
Krystal, on the other hand, is never working -- at least that's what we suspect after reading her answers to the following fifty questions.

The Truth of the Matter  - Ryan Dilbert
Ryan tries to endure a stint as a cat sitter.

Remotely Controlled
Jennifer and D.J. go on a television franchise bender.

Spoiler Warning
Dustin takes a look at Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight

You Decide!
Oh -- a wise guy, eh?

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