Ninjas don’t jazzercise

…..to keep the thunder out of their thighs.

……….For that they kick tons of ass.

Ninjas don’t diet

…..as a way to stay fit.

……….Badass assassinations keep ‘em thin.

Ninjas don’t sweat to the oldies

…..to be free of ass fat foldies.

……….Airborne flipping is better than Richard Simmons’ moves.

Ninjas don’t jazzercise.

…..or freaking diet

……….or sweat to no oldies.

Ninjas

kick

ass.

…..Which is wonderful exercise.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Good god… when is the last time I left my apartment? I don’t mean for a walk to the nearby grocery store for milk or whatever. I mean really went out, did something either productive or fun or funductive (combining words can be fun)… It’s probably only been four days or so, but it feels like FOREVER. Yes, I’ve made decent use of the time, getting some work done, but, really, I’m going stir crazy!

Why am I trapped in my apartment? Well, I suppose I’m not technically. First there was the crazy LA rain that made me want to just stay in, and now that it’s sunny again, I’ve been feeling under the weather and figure I should take it easy and let my body heal via drinking beverages with vitamin C instead of alcohol, getting decent sleep, and just generally taking it easy. I predict by tomorrow I’ll be feeling back to normal… at least I hope so. Right now I’m so antsy and bored that it’s making my skin itch. Ack! Just… TRAPPED.

Read the rest of this entry »

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Conan went out with a great show, and this final speech is wonderful. Yes, I realize that this whole story isn’t important in the grand scheme of things, but the sentiment here is indeed important and well said.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

From Thursday, January 21, 2010:

Tonight the electricity went out, and I realized how plugged in my entire life was. It went out during Thursday night TV, which sucks because I was really looking forward to Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock. That’s right: all four of those shows. A full, exciting, productively evening… a two hour block of comedy DENIED me… well, until tomorrow when, one assumes, the electricity is back on and I’ll be able to watch them all on Hulu. Guess that’s something to look forward to.

But, honestly, there’s not much for me to do now. I’m forcing myself to write, which I’ll be able to do until my computer battery runs out or I run out of things to type… guessing the battery will last longer.

I have one tiny candle. It isn’t producing enough light to read… not really. I have a flashlight, but it’s this little keychain one. I have to hold onto the button to keep the little bit of light going. I could try to read by that, but it might just be frustrating. Yeah, I’m that lazy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Ninja with a mustache,

your hairy lip aids you in the kicking

of ass.

-

Whatever your reason for growing your ’stache,

it works for you.

I say this true blue.

-

Show off your ’stache,

and cut a ’stache hole in  your mask…

In fear your enemies will bask.

-

Show off that sweet hairy lip…

Oh! And when you kick,

remember to pivot with your hip.

-

Look, put that razor down.

Without that godgiven ’stache,

you look like an child clown.

-

Ninja, sweet mustchioed ninja,

you beautiful bastard,

don’t ever give up the dream.

-

Shaving your lip,

won’t make your enemies scream

… in terror.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Writing is way too difficult for me – when one considers the fact that I claim to be a writer (when not claiming to be a robot superhero). Some folks just have so many damn ideas and don’t have time to get them all out. That fascinates me. Oh, what a problem to with which to valiantly struggle!

When I was younger it was different. I remember in junior high school, maybe seventh grade, we had creative writing assignments. The teacher, Mrs. Smith (who always had a large cup of soda on her desk… how I wanted some of that soda… I often imagined it was Mountain Dew), gave us a minimum word count for each story. I don’t remember what that word count was, but I always went over it. I asked if it was okay to do this, which seemed to surprise the teacher – and my fellow students. They had no idea why I wanted to write more than necessary. I wasn’t sure either. Then I thought about it and came to a conclusion…

Writing is loads of fun.

And it continued to be for such a long time. I started writing epic adventure stories loosely based upon me and my best friends Nate, Tadd, and Patrick (who also doubles as my brother)… well, based upon us if we were somehow vaguely descended from Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, and, strangely, Inspector Clouseau (which I misspelled “Clueso” – an accident at first, but then I decided to keep it that way because it was all “Clue? So?” … so clever).

The stories were not really inspired by the Sherlock Holmes adventures. I read Author Conan Doyle’s stories, and I had a ridiculous love for the movie Young Sherlock Holmes (still do, kinda), but the stories I wrote were really just putting me and my friends (or absurdly exaggerated versions of us) in crazy adventures that barely qualified as mysteries. Lots of non sequitors, silly action, and goofy dialog – mostly done to make us all laugh.

Handwritten stories in spiral bound notebooks was my technique. Sometimes the length of a story (or “book,” as I called them) was dependent on the notebook, actually – a sign of quality?

I’d wake up before school to write (or draw), and then write when I got home. So, while it seems difficult nowadays, it must not have always felt that way. I mean, even right now, I’m thinking, “I promised around 600 words every Monday, and I do not want to let down my reader!” I’ve gone from a footloose kid who just had to write, filling notebooks with silly adventures, to this crotchety old cuss who has trouble blogging.

This might not be the best subject for a blog, actually, but… well, it might be interesting to read about a writer who has trouble writing. I don’t know. Is it?

My hope is that by writing these blogs, I’ll get the writing muscles stronger again, and that’ll help me get some of my enthusiasm for the writing. And with that, hopefully I’ll start doing it more consistently and more… better…er… more betterer.

It just takes more discipline, I suppose. Back when I was writing stories with pencil, getting that magical graphite all over my left hand as a sign of having written, I had far less distractions. I mean, typing on the computer as I’m doing now, I have the internets right at my finger tips! How many times have I checked my email then drifted off to other sites before remembering that I’m writing this very blog? I’m not sure of the answer, but it’s definitely happened more times than it should. (Appropriate number of times for this to occur: zero.) It’s just so easy to do. I’m fighting the urge to check my Twitter page now. (I hope you’re not fighting similar urges for your own Twitter or Facebook or whatever else the kids are using to crap out often inappropriately personal info to a worldwide audience while reading this, dear reader, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were.)

This is just another writerly discipline issue, though. So! I must write more and stay focused on my writing while writing!

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

My interest in this whole Leno vs. Conan thing isn’t some misguided worrying about the financial or career fates of millionaires. Honestly, I’m just sick of unfunny comedy being more popular than funny comedy. It’s that simple. Two & A Half Men is the most popular sitcom on television while Community struggles in the ratings. This is ridiculous and fairly embarrassing to God’s America in my admittedly kind of comedy snobby opinion, but so long as they’re both on for their respective fans to enjoy, fine.

Now, if Two & A Half Men wanted Community’s time slot? I mean, not just to go up against it on another network, but to actually kick Community off the air and in that very time slot instead show Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer say horrible, unfunny things about women? Well, then I’d be up in arms! (By “up in arms,” I mean blogging on my less popular than seems possible bloggy blog here, I suppose.)

If Leno gets the Tonight Show back at the expense of Conan, it’s just another example of mediocrity winning. Now, maybe I should be happy about this, as it bodes well for my writing career, but, be that is at may very well be, I don’t want mediocre material rewarded. It’s not a major catastrophe or something important in a real world sense, no, but it isn’t completely trivial. Good humor is smart humor (even good dumb humor has intelligence behind it). The once funny Leno represents the dumbing down of comedy, specifically, American comedy. I don’t want America to be a dumb country of Jaywalkers.

Hopefully, at the very least, Conan will go to another network with his entire crew in tact and thrive. This is all very disappointing, though, just in the sense that quality doesn’t always prevail.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Hi, reader(s)!

In an effort to entertain you more betterer and to write more, I now declare that I will post a longish (at least 600 word) blog entry every Monday. For those of you that read the late, great THE FOOTNOTE, these posts will be similar to my old Pure Lard column.

On days other than Monday, there will still be randomly unpredictable posts about movies or TV shows or comics or books or real life or whatever and the occasional YouTube video and miscellaneous fun link, too. But every Monday? Yeah. Original content about stuff and things.

Also, I like burritos.

Love,

D.J.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

I need a watch.

For a few years now, I’ve been using my cellular telephone to tell the time, much like our ancestors used the sun and… shadows. This is usually a perfectly acceptable manner of time telling. My hands and wrists are unadorned with any jewelry — rings or bracelets (or whatever the masculine word for “bracelets” is… if that’s possible… “gauntlets,” perhaps?), and at some point in my life, a watch started feeling dangerously close to such a too-flashy-for-me accessory.

Read the rest of this entry »

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

So, I was born and raised in Ohio but have been living in Los Angeles, CA for, holy crap, five years? A little over that?

Do I have complaints? Hell yeah, I do. The cost of living — geez. It’s insane. The pollution — that smog cloud you can se when you fly in is pretty freaky. The people — no, no, not all of them, but… maybe it’s because there are so many actors, but I just don’t know where I stand with LA folk much of the time. Oh, and the traffic — fuck, man, the traffic is nuts.

But you know what I have NO complaints about? The weather. The weather in LA is delightful! Sometimes I think, “I miss the seasons,” though. The seasons help one mark the passage of time. Spring, with its renewal. Summer, with the, you know sun — well, that’s LA all the time. Arguably the two best seasons, though I miss Fall.

But winter?

Man, fuck winter! I’ve whined about missing snow before, but now? After a week of snow in some crazy Ohioan tundra? First in Northern Ohio and now in Southern Ohio? It’s ridiculous!!!

Looking outside, it is pretty. Sure, I’ll admit that. Just a sea of white, flakes falling from the sky… which is also pretty white. It’s almost unreal. But I feel trapped in the house! It’s that cabin fever I’ve forgotten about living in the permanent swell weather of Smell A! There’s no way I can go out and drive somewhere. And my sister is still at work, so I’m worried about her driving home.

Snow is absurd. Yes, it’s cheaper to live in Ohio than in Southern California, but… is the CA weather worth the steep cost of living price? I’m beginning to wonder. Maybe I’ll be missing the seasons a little less when I return to LA this Saturday… IF I can return — weather pending.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Everyone who wants to see this has seen it, right? Well, I’m posting it anyway.

Kneejerk reactions to Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor are: “Boo! I miss David Tennant!” And, “He’s toooooo young!” And, “His head is HUUUGE!” From the regeneration scene in “The End Of Time, Part 2″ and this trailer, he seems energetic, at least. And, personally, I dig the hair.

Also, perhaps more importantly, new show runner Stephen Moffat has written some of the best New Who episodes ever. AND Jekyll kicks ass. AND what I’ve seen of Coupling is delightful.

And actress Karen Gillan, The Doctor’s new companion? So purdy. I assume she’s a good actress, too, seeing as how she was cast and all.

Okay, basically, I am really hoping this show is great. Why would anyone hope for anything else? Sure, we don’t know, and, yeah, there are kneejerk reactions, but one should wish for the best, yeah? Tennant was “my” Doctor (every fan has one, right?), but I have my fingers crossed for the new team.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

I feel like, as someone who occasionally blogs, I should write about my favorite whatevers for the past year — maybe the past decade. Lots of folks have made some great lists. Lists about movies. Lists about TV shows. Lists about… well, lots of forms of entertainment.

I’ve done year end lists before, but, honestly, I don’t have the best memory. I’ve seen lots of movies I like, read lots of good books, and watched lots of excellent TV over the year and the decade, but it’s tough to pick favorites. Honestly, I don’t even know what movies I saw this year. Saw a lot of them, though. And watched a hell of a lot of TV. Way too much. Didn’t read enough, tough.

I dunno, here are Five of My Favorite Entertainment-Type Things That Came Out This Past Decade (In No Particular Order)…

Doctor Who – Just been watching the freaking two day marathon on BBC America leading up to David Tennant’s final appearance as The Doctor tonight. (The Brits saw this on January 1st — between this and the cool accents, I’m quite jealous.). I used to hate Doctor Who — the original series — as a kid. It was on PBS, and it just freaked me out. Weird video and film combos, creepy cheap fx, etc. I think I’ll revisit them one day. The new one, though? Love it. So over the top and fun and weird and emotional — and rarely making a lick of sense. It’s the most entertainment I get from staring at the television.

Batman Begins/The Dark Knight – Holy shit! Batman kicked ass in the movies this past decade! Well, wait… when did the last shitty Batman movie (Batman and Robin) come out? Ah, forget it, I’m not looking it up. These two rule. Christian Bales is a great Batman/Bruce Wayne, and, well, we all know that Heath Ledger’s Joker ruled… yeah, these are stellar flicks.

Y The Last Man – From issue one to issue sixty, so many great stories featuring a world where all the males die, save one fella and his monkey. It’s a great road story with many surprising detours and lots to say on male/female relations and just humanity as a whole. Scary, exciting, funny, heartbreaking — great stuff.

Arrested Development - Funniest sitcom ever! I had no idea I liked Jason Bateman! And every other actor was just perfect. Such a hilarious, layered, and wacky-ass show. I revisit all three seasons once in a while. Great show to just watch in a marathon.

When You Are Engulfed In Flames – David Sedaris’s books of essays are always terrific, fast reads. This is the latest one, and it might be my favorite. As funny as his others overall, but with a little more gravitas throughout. His work has really inspired my own writing — not in ways that might be apparent, he is successful and acclaimed after all.

I left out and forgot so much. David Egger’s A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius came out in 2000, I think. That book blew my damn mind, finding hope in humor in an almost unbelievably tragic situation. The Battlestar Galactica remake with the Olmos was great up until maybe the last half of season four — and even then it was still really good. I loved Wes Anderson’s The Royal Tenenbaums just keeps getting better with age. Jeff Smith’s all-in-one Bone collection was released this decade, and it’s such an amazing work of cartooning, adventure, and fun. The novel It’s Superman! by Tom De Haven was one of my favorite versions of Superman’s origin ever (the character works so good in the 1940s), as was Mark Waid and Lencil Yu’s comic mini-series Superman: Birthright — a more modern take. Oh, crap! And Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly’s All-Star Superman — perfection! The Shield is maybe the best cop show I’ve ever seen, though I’m not through it yet. Fell by Warren Ellis and Ben Templesmith — twisted and glorious. Did Transmetropolitan by Ellis and Darick Robertson come out this decade? What about Garth Ennis and Steven Dillon’s Preacher? If so, they should be on a best of list. Baaaah…

I’m forgetting so much.

Ah, this is why I suck at these lists. I really enjoy being entertained, though.

Lots of shit this past decade, and I’m glad it’s over — but there were some good times, too.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Comic Book Resources staff writer Josh Wigler interviewed POPGUN 4 contributors Jeffrey Brown, Frank Stockton, Amanda Becker, Janet Kim, Andy Ristiano, and yours truly for a terrific article at Comic Book Resources.

Complete with some story descriptions from the creators themselves as well as preview art — check it out and leave a comment if you’re so moved!

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Tomorrow I have to be at LAX around 10AM for a flight that leaves at 11:50AM. Then I get into the Dallas airport around 5PM and have a three hour layover. THEN I get into Columbus, OH at 11:25PM. Taking into account the three hour difference between Pacific and Eastern time, that’s roughly a nine hour day of travel.

And I don’t really mind.

Travel, especially airplane travel, used to bug me. It bugs a lot of people. I hated flying for a while. Nothing debilitating, but I wasn’t a fan of being in the air. And the whole airport thing of tickets and waiting bugged me.

But lately, well, less things bug me, this included. I am not a fan of layovers, but, honestly, airports have restaurants, bars, and bookstores. What do I like to do? Eat, drink, and read. What else? Mess around on my computer… and I have a laptop.

Travel ain’t no thing! I’m looking forward to catching some zzz’s on the plane, as I’ve liked sleeping in the moving cars since I was a baby (so, yeah, when not driving), and this is just being a passenger in a big ass flying car. And I have a great book I’m reading (Blink – check it out and learn lessons about “thinking without thinking”)… a fun comic I want to check out (Bizarro Comics – dig it, and, yeah, I’m behind on this one), and… what the heck? How is this any worse than hanging out in my room in LA by myself? At least I’ll be surrounded by people, maybe chit chat, AND at the end of it all, I’ll see my family.

Travel ain’t no thing, and when the destination is home, it’s more than worth it.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

I’ve been told I say “sorry” too much… Maybe one of the reasons The 10th Doctor is my favorite.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Ninjas in space,
Whose side are they on?

Are they defending us from alien invaders?
Or are they Ninjutsu Darth Vaders?

I mean, what if they were up there,
In their astro-ninja-underwear,
Planning our downfall?
The global death of us all?

That’s probably the deal.
Ninjas freaking hate humanity.
At least that’s how I was raised to…
… raised… to… feel… ?

Holy shit.
Wait a minute.

Was I raised to hate ninjas?
To be a ninja hater?

No, I don’t blame Mom and Dad.
It’s society that’s bad.
The media, that’s who to blame…
… for my ninja-hating shame.

Just because they can kill me with a kick,
Doesn’t mean I have to be a dick.

Ninjas, on earth or in space,
are part of the human race.

So, I’m going to hug a ninja, and – ack!
I was just stabbed… with a ninja… sword…
… what a sneaky ninja attack.

Lesson learned?

Probably not.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

This is pretty funny and cut together really well, aside from Jack’s wardrobe changes. A little Yuletide LOL.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Is this new? No idea. Also? No idea what this movie is about, and the teaser trailer doesn’t help me out on that count, but new Christopher Nolan movie? Yeah, I’m there.

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.

Pretty nifty surprise: MTV Splash Page named their best comics of 2009, and THE NEW BRIGHTON ARCHEOLOGICAL SOCIETY, by Mark Andrew Smith and Matt Weldon was named Best All-Ages Comics of 2009! Extra happiness for me because I edited it. Neat-o.

BEST ALL-AGES COMIC
“The New Brighton Archeological Society” (Image)
“New Brighton” readers get the best of two worlds in a story that’s fun to read on its own and a comic that can be shared with readers of any age — whether they can read it themselves or have it read to them. In fact, it feels like Mark Andrew Smith and Matthew Weldon have all the ingredients for success in “New Brighton”: a spunky group of kids with lots of free time, a wild world ripe for exploration, fantastic creatures culled from various faerie tales, and dangers that manage to be scary without being truly terrifying. It’s the sort of book we’re quite certain we’d love when we were little, but get a kick out of reading now, too.
- Rick Marshall

Take their word for it and snag yourself a copy! It makes the perfect Christmas gift!

Mirrored from djkirkbride.com.